So! The new J.K. Rowling novel The Casual Vacancy has hit the stores, it has nothing to do with Harry Potter and it’s for adults. There’s no doubt at all that it will top the best seller lists.

It’s also racking up the one-star reviews!

If you’re like me, those reviews are like candy: unhealthy in the extreme but irresistible. They fall into four basic groups, and if you’re at all like me (which I doubt) the first three groups will make you want to pick up a copy.

Screencapped Amazon reviews behind the cut. I’m not sure how well they’ll turn out in this format, but you can click through to read them if you want.

First we have the most predictable group of all: the alarmists who are terrible unhappy that a child might read a book meant for an adult (My God! It’s like Romance novel trash!)

I swear, anyone who doesn’t read the books they give to their kids should not expect the rest of the world to do it for them.

Then there’s the next group: those readers who think that any book ever can be ruined if it includes profane language:

OMG! An f-bomb within twenty pages! That’s practically an avalanche!

And here’s a reader who knows this book is worth one star because people said it contains profanity.

Finally, we have the Kindlegartners: people who give bad reviews because their ebooks aren’t priced as low as they’d like. It’s not enough for these folks to say “Too rich for my blood” and move on. They have to gripe about it online.

This first one has totally worked out the proper price point:

Look out, Little, Brown! This next reader is bad mouthing you to her book clubs! (plural, ‘natch)

This “average working man” wonders why big publishers can’t be as considerate of people’s budgets as those discounted self-published authors. If only there were more self-pubbed books for them to pick up.

WTF is up with this username?

If the three most important factors in real estate are location, location and location, I wonder what the three most important factors in publishing are?

The ennui in this next one is heartbreaking:

And finally we have someone who wouldn’t mind the price if the economy was stronger.

Of course, the reviews are just the tip. The real Kindlegartner trick is to put boycott tags on the book. Check them out.

Then there’s the one-star review that will make you not want to pick up the book:

Er… yeah.