Did you know I have a superpower?

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It’s true. I have one superpower but it’s a total doozy. Allow me to share it with you:

Whenever I do a cool thing, it stops being cool.

When I was younger, I was like one of those mutants who needed to be forcably recruited to Prof. Xaviers Academy–I used my powers carelessly and caused a lot of grief. I grew sideburns, forcing everyone else to shave theirs off. Whenever I bought a cd by a cool band, they immediately broke up. When a buddy said something I agreed with, I responded by saying “Word.” Within a week, no one was using that expression except my wife, which shows you just how uncool it became. And so on.

Eventually, like one of the professor’s students, I learned to use my powers for good. I’m the one who put an end to people saying “Not!” at the end of sentences. I also put an end to “Chill!” although I regret waiting as long as I did. And, as a sign of my complete dedication to doing right, about ten years ago (before I started shaving my head) I pulled my hair across the top of my head and put a barette in it for an entire day, just to put an end to that horrible fashion trend.

You’re welcome.

And now I’m afraid that I have to use my powers yet again, because the new movie 9 is being called “stitchpunk!” and that’s too damn many “-punks”.

So… (ahem) That new graphic novel series The Boys is really “capepunk!”

There. It’s done. For those who don’t know how this really works, all the old terms are grandfathered in, but it will now be personally embarrassing for anyone to come up with a new “-punk” term.

And that’s fo-rizzle.

An R-rated Harry Potter

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Over on his blog, Nathan Bransford is asking people if children’s books should have ratings, the way films and video games do.

Me, I think this misses the point. Books don’t need ratings stating which age groups they are appropriate for. All that does is embarrass readers who are enjoying a well-written adventure that lacks cursing or violence, and makes kids seek out forbidden ratings.

What I want are labels. Here is my suggested list:

Rated S: Contains stereotypes
Rated HP: Contains “helpless princess” characters who must be rescued by a male character.
Rated J: Contains Jingoistic attitudes toward foreign peoples/governments
Rated MN: Contains “Magic Negro” character with no life beyond the assistance character gives to Our Hero
Rated DA: Contains dead animal for purposes of unbearable pathos
Rated DV: Contains characters and plotting that you’re seen a hundred times before, but might be new to an 8-yo.
Rated LM: Lacks Monsters or other supernatural elements.
Rated MBS: Mocks Belief Systems
Rated NF: Not as Funny as it thinks it is.

Any others I should have included?

State of the self

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As Monk often says: “Here’s the thing…”

One of the quirkly little personality traits that so endears me to my wife is that I can be extremely stressed-out or depressed without knowing it. I get sullen, crabby, pessimistic, and withdrawn for anywhere from two weeks to a month, eating badly and staying up too late, then it suddenly dawns on me that hey, maybe I’m depressed.

“Denial,” she calls it.

Anyway, this is an actual conversation I had at work today.

Co-worker: Your book comes out this month, right?
Me: Yep. Just under three weeks from now.
Co-worker: Omigod! Are you excited?
Me: No.

Which… yeah. Denial. I’m not jumping around or drumming my fingers on my knees, but I am vaguely naseous and stressed out. I have been kicking my own ass for my lack of productivity lately (Man Bites World has been impossible to write–it’s like rolling a giant ball of sloppy wet clay uphill.) but hey, maybe that’s because I’m nervous? Maybe because I’ve been writing since I was very, very small and now, 35+ years later I’m about to finally be put to the test?

And that if I fuck this up I’ll have to start over again?

It’s a lot easier to deal with my stress when I recognize that it’s there. At least, I hope it will be.

Atheists promise to care for pets…

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… Of people taken up in the Rapture.

For a fee, of course.

8 Questions

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Eight Questions about health-care reform answered. For those who might not be following the political process closely.

Randomness for 9/7/09

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1) MightyGodKing’s latest Stab at Relevence, the card game.

2) F=MA? Or F=MAWill(MagicNecklace)? From a blog created by filmmakers planning their first hard-sf indie feature film.

3) RT Book Reviews gives Child of Fire four and a half stars. (I hope that’s not out of ten) Unfortunately, I can’t read the review because I don’t subscribe.

4) Don’t settle for cheap knock-offs! A dieselpunk ray gun commercial

5) Outrageous burgers across the nation. Starting with, you guessed it, a burger with a donut for a bun.

6) 20 Neil Gaiman Facts. Reader, I lolled.

Today I am a great father

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Why? Because I just told my son “No stabbing!”

Yep! I’m one of the greats.

Arboretum Afternoon

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IMG_0862

Full set at Flicker

Randomness for 9/5/09

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1) People, I ask you: if we’re going to promote AIDS prevention, should we really be turning to Adolf Hitler pron?

2) How content aggregation explains that the upside of contracting AIDS is “The Spanish Civil War.” seen via tnh’s Particles.

3) New Japanese prime minister’s wife once flew on a space ship to Venus. I’m just going to assume the sex is fantastic.

Jeez, I’m losing my voice

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Three books I’ve written in first person. Three. (Well, two point nine books–I’m almost finished the third).

You’d think I wouldn’t accidentally slip into third person anymore, but you’d be wrong.