I have failed my book in the worst possible way

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Today was supposed to be a chill fucking day. My agent has the revised version of EPIC FANTASY WITH NO DULL PARTS. Last night I sent KING KHAN, my game tie-in novel, to Evil Hat. I hope they like it because Christmas is coming and I could use the money. Next I’m supposed to work on EPIC SEQUEL WITH NO DULL PARTS and a Twenty Palaces short story I’ve been kicking around.

But today was for relaxing, people. Today was meant to chill and read through an old manuscript.

It was just about a year ago that I put the “final” touches on A KEY, AN EGG, AN UNFORTUNATE REMARK and sent it to my agent. After reading my revised draft, she didn’t want to try to sell it; she didn’t think it was ready.

Some writers would be all outraged by that, but I shelved the book and worked on something else. I knew I could revisit it later after taking some time away from it.

Today, I took a printed copy out to the coffee shop to give it a read.

It’s really a failure. Like, full of an amazing amount of fail. It’s so off that I have a hard time reading it. It’s embarrassing.

What happened is pretty clear: I had something in my head that did not get onto the page. The tone is wrong, the POV has no specific voice, the important emotional moments glide right by without any effort to acknowledge their power…

Fuck. I had this idea for a book in my head and I thought I was writing it. I wasn’t. Maybe I loved the idea of the book too much, because I didn’t take the time to address the problems those ideas would present. Maybe I’m hadn’t studied other works with that tone carefully enough.

Maybe the problem was all that and more. I’m going to have to think on this carefully. Someday. For right now I’m putting this book aside and working on something else.

Damn. Just when I become too confident, I find new reasons for humility. What the hell. It’ll just make me a better writer tomorrow.

12 one-star reviews that will make you want to read THE CASUAL VACANCY and one that won’t

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So! The new J.K. Rowling novel The Casual Vacancy has hit the stores, it has nothing to do with Harry Potter and it’s for adults. There’s no doubt at all that it will top the best seller lists.

It’s also racking up the one-star reviews!

If you’re like me, those reviews are like candy: unhealthy in the extreme but irresistible. They fall into four basic groups, and if you’re at all like me (which I doubt) the first three groups will make you want to pick up a copy.

Screencapped Amazon reviews behind the cut. I’m not sure how well they’ll turn out in this format, but you can click through to read them if you want.

First we have the most predictable group of all: the alarmists who are terrible unhappy that a child might read a book meant for an adult (My God! It’s like Romance novel trash!) Continue reading

Randomness for 9/27

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1) “Because in my own way, I can (unfortunately) point out exactly what is wrong with men when they don’t realize how hard it is to be a woman. How we do not have equal opportunities and freedoms in everyday life. How most men, even good caring men, have no clue what we go through on a daily basis just trying to live our lives.” Warning: That could be triggering.

2) In Plain View: How child molesters get away with it.

3) Are you at a hipster wedding? A flowchart.

4) Thirteen congressional candidates with interesting ideas.

5) How to make the perfect ice cube.

6) Interested in giving up masturbation? Try 50 Cent’s four-step plan.

7) i09 calls this “The worst death scene ever comitted to film.” I was doubtful until I watched it.

The kitchen gadget meme

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The kitchen meme making the rounds: Bold the ones you have and use at least once a year, italicize the ones you have and don’t use, strike through the ones you have had but got rid of.

pasta machines, breadmakers, juicers, blenders, deep fat fryers, egg boilers, melon ballers, sandwich makers, pastry brushes, cheese knives, electric woks, miniature salad spinners, griddle pans, jam funnels, meat thermometers, filleting knives, egg poachers, cake stands, garlic crushers, martini glasses, tea strainers, bamboo steamers, pizza stones, coffee grinders, milk frothers, piping bags, banana stands, fluted pastry wheels, tagine dishes, conical strainers, rice cookers, steam cookers, pressure cookers, slow cookers, spaetzle makers, cookie presses, gravy strainers, double boilers (bains marie), sukiyaki stoves, food processors, ice cream makers, takoyaki makers, fondue sets

Context.

I’ve never had a pizza stone, but I have several pizza screens. I love them and would never switch to a stone. And I left “sandwich maker” untouched but I do have a George Foreman.

Anyway, my breadmaker was one of the first ever. My mom bought it off the TV and gave it to me, and it didn’t work very well.

The Unexpected Return of This Week’s Hypothetical!

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You get wind of a unique dining experience: a chef has had his own penis and testicles surgically removed and frozen. Now he is planning a special meal where he will serve them up to interested diners. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.

There is no law against cannibalism in the country where this is taking place and you can afford it. Would you go?

What if a close friend or member of your family intended to go; would it change your relationship with them?

For this one, I’m going to experiment with opening up comments again. Let’s see how awful the spam gets.

Context.

Testing the thesis that 10K hours of practice makes you an expert

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This dude is trying it with golf, and after two years, he’s got about 1/3rd of his 10,000 hours.

I’m sure it took me more than that to start writing stories that sell, but I still don’t consider myself a writing expert. I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way. But good luck to Dan. It’ll be interesting to see if he can do it.

via @RodRamsey

I share my rage with you

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Four years and ten months ago, my laptop died. I don’t even remember what brand it was, but I went out to the Apple store and picked up their cheapest laptop.

I’m still using it almost five years later, but the internet has become nearly impossible. All sorts of web pages make Safari seize up. Facebook, G+, The Daily Beast… the list is endless. My browser picks up the spinning beach ball with only very few tabs open.

Twitter is trying to discourage third-party app makers, but I can’t type out a single tweet without stopping for the spinning beach ball. My own fucking website slows things down interminably, mainly because it tries to contact Twitter et al.

It’s frustrating and a waste of time. Most of my laptop browsing is book-related research, but this old software is just excruciating. The browser crashes too much, freezes too much, and wastes way too much of my time.

And I can’t afford new right now.

Infernal Relics

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The Sentinels of the Multiverse expansion Infernal Relics (plus swag) arrived today.

Check it out:

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For folks who don’t know, this is a superhero-themed cooperative fixed-deck card game. It can be a little fussy, what with keeping track of all the plusses and hit points, but the enhanced edition makes that easy. What’s more, it’s fun.

The boy and I both wanted to play tonight, but I’m just too wiped for it. This weekend we are going to be doing two Pokemon tournaments, so I’m not sure when we’ll have a chance to take on some of these new villains, but the boy and I are pretty psyched to give it a try.

Great game. Seriously.

Randonmess for 9/17

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1) In a Mass Knife Fight to the Death Between Every American President, Who Would Win and Why?

2) Little kittens battle each other in B&N review section: “Will you make an alliance with tigerclan?”

3) The Proper Way To Lock Your Bicycle.

4) Bat Man of Shanghai. Video.

5) Real Lady Sleuths.

6) How to cut your own hair.

7) Over-the-counter DIY witchcraft from the 19th century: The (annotated) Long Lost Friend. Available on Amazon.com

“The Truth About Dishonesty”

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Do you guys like the RSA Animate videos? I do. They’re occasionally inaccurate (when the speaker gets a fact wrong) but I think they’re a visually arresting way to take in information.

This one is especially good and it’s relevant in several ways. Check it out.