Book signing rules


Having read the long list of restrictions at Tony Blair’s book signing, I’ve decided to institute my own list of restrictions for tomorrow’s signing. Please adhere closely to these rules.

1. No photography. All photographs with cameras or camera phones is strictly prohibited due to the danger of capturing one of The Author’s many bad sides. A sketch artist will be provided and pencil sketches will be available for a reasonable price.

2. Backpacks, purses and satchels are allowed, but all fannypacks will be confiscated and disposed of in the alley out back. Because dude, fannypacks.

3. The Author is happy to add a personal dedication to books as well as sign them, but no dedications will be made out to given names. Nicknames only. Also, The Author will be assigning all nicknames on the spot. Got that, Skippy?

4. To keep things moving quickly, all conversation should be limited to complimentary assessments of The Author’s appearance and demeanor, as well as unqualified praise for his books.

5. No cell phones conversations, Twittering, texting or “sexting” permitted, unless The Author is allowed to read/listen in, and finds the conversation amusing.

6. Physical assault is strongly discouraged. The Author should not be spit upon, slapped, struck with a weasel (dead), shot, punched, stabbed, struck with a ferret (living or dead), kicked, or head-butted. In fact, let’s just go with “No touching,” okay?

7. Child care will be provided for book purchases who require it. A special playpen will be installed before the event; readers will not have to worry about children escaping the pen, as it is a very modern kind that comes with a top.

8. Readers are not required to bring their own pen, but those who don’t will be charged an additional $1 ink fee to help compensate for the loss of The Author’s specially-formulated brand of ink (from Bic).

9. All pens provided by the readers themselves must be disinfected by The Author’s staff before the signing. Charge for that: also $1.

That’s all, I think. Adding a tenth restriction seems… excessive. Better to be easy-going and understated.

See you tomorrow, and be sure to OBEY.