My editorial notes on Man Bites World were really simple and straightforward–ambiguous dialog! contradictory description! repetitive narration!–right up to the last one. The very last comment I had to deal with bowled me over.
It’s a line of dialog that makes sense in my head, but none of the meaning it’s meant to imply comes out on the page. It is, essentially, a declaration of war on the status quo in the Twenty Palaces setting, and that’s not something you clarify in a ten-minute revamp.
For four days I’ve been trying to make this work. I’m going for a nice walk now to think about it.