Patrick Rothfuss lights a cigar with a $20 bill


A few days ago, Patrick Rothfuss posted an open letter to Nathan Fillion, in which he points out that he’s a new author but also an international best seller, and that with his new book about to come out, he’s liable to be coming in to a good bit of money.

That’s why he, as a guy with his second book about to come out, wanted to chip in to help Fillion buy the rights to the Firefly TV series.

My first reaction: 0.0

My second: “wut?”

I’m not sure what my third was because things got fuzzy after that. I do remember the nice people helping off the floor of the Starbucks, wiping away my tears with their post-consumer waste paper napkins. They seemed quite worried about me until I assured them that I wasn’t sick at all, it’s just that someone very dear to me had suddenly died.

Anyway, I think it’s great that he’s so successful that he’s considering a time share on a Hollywood property. It’s funny; I’ve always heard that money and success can’t make a person happy, but the only way I’ll believe it is to test it out personally.

So! what else might Mr. Rothfuss’s new-found wealth bring?

1. NASA will launch geostationary satellite magnifying glass that will keep his home at a comfy 76F all winter long. (During the summer, the glass will be angled to shine that heat at Raymond E. Feist.)

2. Just in case book 3 (The Doors of Stone) is delayed, time-traveling historians have convinced the Mayans to extend their calendar to December 2012.

3. Inspired by Charlie Sheen, Pat Rothfuss has hired a team of Swiss surgeons to give him real “fire-breathing fists.”

4. Saudi Princes have booked tours of Pat Rothfuss’s house for decorating tips.

5. In the future, Pat Rothfuss will do all his grocery shopping in a sedan chair carried by fans.

6. If you have to ask about number six, you can’t afford it.

7. Starting March, 2011, Pat Rothfuss’s face will be on the $1 million bill. Might as well, right?

8. Boring garden statues that never change positions will be replaced by fans assuming poses assigned by Pat Rothfuss. Woe to the fan unable to pee in continuous stream while Mr. Rothfuss walks by.

In all seriousness, good for Pat Rothfuss. I hope his next book is million-seller. (Note to readers: I’d be happy with half that, and would gladly join a campaign to purchase the rights to HOLMES AND YOYO.)

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