Things I would buy myself if I were an idiot


The website This Is Why I’m Broke is nothing more than a collection of unusual products you might want to buy. Far too many of them relate to a certain space ship from a certain movie from the seventies, but there is definitely some cool stuff on display there.

Not that I’ll ever buy any of it. Not that I could even use it if I’d bought it. Not that I have space in my home for new things.

Still, it’s fun to think about, so here’s the list of seven things I would buy if I were a complete idiot.

I don’t even have a car but it would be funny as hell to drive around with

Batman Brake Covers.

Batman Brake Covers.

Yeah, that shit is almost certainly illegal, but it would definitely be funny even to a casual Batman fan like me.

I have zero interest in Mortal Combat, but I had no idea there were so many variations on this:

MacBook Stickers

Snow White holding the bitten apple seems to be the most popular, but Iron Man’s glowing repulsor is also popular. Personally, I sorta like the Banksy molotov cocktail thrower, but even I would find that too ridiculous.

Then there’s this:

Dolphin power boat

Yes, the dolphin power boat submerges and leaps out of the water. I get whiplash just thinking about it.

You know what this liquid is, don’t you?

toilet coffee

It’s coffee. That’s a coffee mug.

In case you have 55 grand burning a hole in your pocket, you can hit the road in this, Tron-style:

tron cycle

It’s supposed to be 100% street legal.

More affordable is this:

Pizza cones



If I were trying to put on weight instead of lose it, I’d be all over this like ugly on an ape.

Finally, there’s this:


That’s right. It’s a radio-controlled flying superhero, perfect for tricking people into believing there’s a real flying person overhead (depending on how loud the environment is). I laughed like a loon at the video.

But wait! Surely there are some really, really bad ideas on that page, too!

Boy, are there.

No, you may not mash the buttons.


Yes, it’s 13 feet tall, weighs over 4 tons and there’s a cockpit for the pilot to ride in. It also costs over a million bucks and I would not want to run out of gas with the cockpit hatch jammed.

gun lamp

Because you really want to be in the habit of pointing guns and squeezing triggers to change the brightness of your lamps.

Fuck you, man. Seriously. Fuck you.


If you want to freak out the cops or a nervous in-law, be sure to put up this wallpaper done up in a “bloodbath” design.

Assasin's creed

Yes, those are the retractable blades from Assasin’s Creed. From the description: “Perfect for cosplay, these hidden blades are actually made from real steel.”

Oh, perfect!

There’s an awful lot more at the site–literally hundreds of products–and it’s damn fun to look at, despite the zombie lawn gnomes. The OCD cutting board looks like a great idea, but it’s so cheap I suspect it’s not very good. As for the dog umbrella, the life-sized dragon and T-Rex statues, the Boba Fett hoodie, the gangsta-rap coloring book, the poolside climbing gym… well, it’s fun to look at.