Christmas has twelve days–at least, according to the song it does–so I thought I’d do you the favor of sharing 12 Giftmas nopes (presents you really want nothing to do with. Here you go:
1. The Tom Hiddleston Sex Pillow. Also available in Cumberbatch.
2. A belly button brush. For the disgusting Pig Pen in your life.
3. A farting Santa butt to hang on your tree.
4. Generic “Weener Kleener” Soap. I assume it has that name because of the shape. “Fits most men!”
5. Real nightvision goggles for kids. Only someone desperate to be the “cool aunt/cool uncle” would buy this, especially if they wanted to be cut out of their siblings’ will.
6. A hot pink rabbit fur poncho.
7. A single blue-raspberry flavored Gummi Bear that weighs five pounds. In case you want to spend months gnawing on something vaguely bear-cub shaped.
8. A goatee-shaving template. Don’t bother pointing out that it’s actually a Van Dyke. That battle’s lost.
9. A Unisex Adult The Big Lebowski The Dude Wig and Beard Kit. In case your loved one has too much pride to use a shaving template.
10. A Nose Shower Gel Dispenser. For people who want to imagine themselves rubbing snot all over their bodies.
11. A coffee mug shaped like a toilet bowl. For loved ones trying to quit coffee.
12. Shittens. Not a typo.
Be honest now. You’re tempted by the pink rabbit fur poncho, aren’t you?