12 Giftmas Nopes


Christmas has twelve days–at least, according to the song it does–so I thought I’d do you the favor of sharing 12 Giftmas nopes (presents you really want nothing to do with. Here you go:

1. The Tom Hiddleston Sex Pillow. Also available in Cumberbatch.

2. A belly button brush. For the disgusting Pig Pen in your life.

3. A farting Santa butt to hang on your tree.

4. Generic “Weener Kleener” Soap. I assume it has that name because of the shape. “Fits most men!”

5. Real nightvision goggles for kids. Only someone desperate to be the “cool aunt/cool uncle” would buy this, especially if they wanted to be cut out of their siblings’ will.

6. A hot pink rabbit fur poncho.

7. A single blue-raspberry flavored Gummi Bear that weighs five pounds. In case you want to spend months gnawing on something vaguely bear-cub shaped.

8. A goatee-shaving template. Don’t bother pointing out that it’s actually a Van Dyke. That battle’s lost.

9. A Unisex Adult The Big Lebowski The Dude Wig and Beard Kit. In case your loved one has too much pride to use a shaving template.

10. A Nose Shower Gel Dispenser. For people who want to imagine themselves rubbing snot all over their bodies.

11. A coffee mug shaped like a toilet bowl. For loved ones trying to quit coffee.

12. Shittens. Not a typo.

Be honest now. You’re tempted by the pink rabbit fur poncho, aren’t you?