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Randomness for 9/12/09

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1) Toilet Birthdays. Because every blog needs a purpose. Or every purpose needs a blog.

2) You know that new show The Vampire Diaries? Well, it’s based on some very strange books. Very.

3) “Whiteout” is so staggeringly bad that it achieves a kind of transcendent poetry. It’s ignorant of how things are in the real world, of what makes a thriller a thriller, of why people seek out entertainment. It’s a movie made for an irony-free world populated by impaired moviegoers who are amused simply by shapes and sounds and shiny things…

A chimpanzee could’ve finger-painted a better movie. A chimpanzee, somewhere in the world, probably has.

Attention, chimpanzee: Send your finger-painted screenplay to Tom Skerritt. He’ll sign on for it. He signed up for “Whiteout,” after all.

4) How to hide an airplane factory.

5) Writer Beware examines the myth that you have to know someone to get published. ::raises hand:: As a data point, I didn’t know my agent or my editor before I signed with them, and I didn’t have any connections, either. I did it by cold-query.

6) A Main Force Patrol T-shirt. I’m thinking my friend Mike would love this one, but check out the categories. The designs are really well done. via serialkarma

Did you know I have a superpower?

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It’s true. I have one superpower but it’s a total doozy. Allow me to share it with you:

Whenever I do a cool thing, it stops being cool.

When I was younger, I was like one of those mutants who needed to be forcably recruited to Prof. Xaviers Academy–I used my powers carelessly and caused a lot of grief. I grew sideburns, forcing everyone else to shave theirs off. Whenever I bought a cd by a cool band, they immediately broke up. When a buddy said something I agreed with, I responded by saying “Word.” Within a week, no one was using that expression except my wife, which shows you just how uncool it became. And so on.

Eventually, like one of the professor’s students, I learned to use my powers for good. I’m the one who put an end to people saying “Not!” at the end of sentences. I also put an end to “Chill!” although I regret waiting as long as I did. And, as a sign of my complete dedication to doing right, about ten years ago (before I started shaving my head) I pulled my hair across the top of my head and put a barette in it for an entire day, just to put an end to that horrible fashion trend.

You’re welcome.

And now I’m afraid that I have to use my powers yet again, because the new movie 9 is being called “stitchpunk!” and that’s too damn many “-punks”.

So… (ahem) That new graphic novel series The Boys is really “capepunk!”

There. It’s done. For those who don’t know how this really works, all the old terms are grandfathered in, but it will now be personally embarrassing for anyone to come up with a new “-punk” term.

And that’s fo-rizzle.

Speaking of Randomness

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Here’s something that’s random and 100% AWESOME

via Josh Jasper on the aforementioned health care discussion on John Scalzi’s blog

Randomness

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I’m going to compile a bunch of random things into this post and publish them all at once.

1) via geniusofevil: Heat Wave: Richard Castle is a real writer!

2) I’ve been going back and forth on some common euphamisms. Yesterday, in a comment, I used the term “godsend.” Is that a word an atheist should use? I think not, obviously, since it bothers me. In the few stolen moments I had to type out the comment, I couldn’t come up with an alternative that said the same thing.

Except there’s “ghu” or “ghod” but I think of that as an SF fandom thing, and I’m not part of that community, either. Sometimes I write “Thank Pikachu” or whatever as a joke, even though at this point I’m the only member of my household who thinks Pikachu is cool.

I don’t really have a point. This is just something I’m thinking about.

3) Nicholas Kristof on the myth that government can’t do health care. And yeah, I spent way too much time yesterday arguing health care on John Scalzi’s blog.

3a) Arguing about health care on the web makes me hate the universe!

4) PW’s newly focused blog, Genreville (verdict: interesting so far) offers Lev Grossman the opportunity to knock over some straw men. He accepts.

5) Inglourious Wizerds

6) Man builds house out of Legos.

7) Work on Man Bites World continues slowly, but this is a really difficult section. Very different from what I’ve been doing before, and I’m going to have to revise it significantly once I straighten out in my mind how the protagonist would react to extremely strange events.

The difference between “smart” and “rational.”

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via Jay Lake:

Jack is looking at Anne, but Anne is looking at George. Jack is married but George is not. Is a married person looking at an unmarried person?

Yes // No // Cannot be determined

Answer in the article, and yeah, I got it wrong.

“… the most powerful heartwarming story.”

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Many of you have already heard the appalling story of Jaycee Lee Dugard, the 11-yo girl who was kidnapped 18 years ago and was just rescued from her imprisonment now at the age of 29. She was taken from the street right in front of her house–her stepfather saw it but was too far away to do anything to stop them–and help prisoner in Phillip and Nancy Garrido’s backyard.

She was raped, bore him two children, forced to live in hiding behind a fence in the back yard, under a tarp, with an outdoor toilet and shower. The two children had never been to a doctor in their lives.

They were only caught because Garrido found Jesus and was questioned by campus security while passing out religious literature with his two daughters. The guard notified his parole officer, and Garrido brought his wife, daughters and Jaycee to the parole office, where he was questioned until he admitted his kidnapping.

I imagine his stay in prison will be short, and not because the criminal justice system will release him, either.

However, he sees his story a little differently:

“If you take this a step at a time, you’re going to fall over backwards and in the end, you’re going to find the most powerful heartwarming story.”

Obviously, the man is dangerously insane. Here’s his blog. But it’s amazing what people can get away with. Seriously. I want to see what this “hidden backyard” looks like.

Let me explain:

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I get stuck when I’m writing a story, sometimes even “mired.”
You have writers block, which doesn’t even exist.

I struggle with a story because of “because of something I’m doing, or not doing.”
You get “Nerves and Vapors.”

I work hard to solve problems.
You lie on a couch eating bon-bons and wailing. Or you sit on a bar stool drinking booze and wailing. But there’s definitely wailing.

I put on my “big girl panties and deal.”
You are simply afraid and probably looking for sympathy.

I am a hard-working professional who deals rationally with my problems. Did you hear me? I’m regular folks.
You are an elitist artistic wannabe who behaves like a seven-year-old.

::is annoyed::

This almost makes me want to join Twitter

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“Don’t touch the bacon, it’s not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i’ll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing.”

“The dog is not bored, it’s a fucking dog. It’s not like he’s waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He’s a god damned dog.”

“Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I’ll answer.”

from Sh!1 my Dad says.

via Keith Calder

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Be sure to watch to the end. This is classic. As Keith said, I’m glad this guy is out there.

The perfect gift for my wife!

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I think I’m going to pick the butt lion for her. The way the fabric is all dark at the center seam is so appealing. Or maybe I should go for the ass owl.

Aw, heck! I’ll get one of each! (seen via Cherie Priest’s FB)

eta: My wife has declared them “brilliant.” I still love her, though.