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The Onion Apologizes

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Over on Facebook, The Onion apologized for their nasty tweet last night where they called a little girl a cunt.

Feb. 25, 2013

Dear Readers,

On behalf of The Onion, I offer my personal apology to Quvenzhané Wallis and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for the tweet that was circulated last night during the Oscars. It was crude and offensive—not to mention inconsistent with The Onion’s commitment to parody and satire, however biting.

No person should be subjected to such a senseless, humorless comment masquerading as satire.

The tweet was taken down within an hour of publication. We have instituted new and tighter Twitter procedures to ensure that this kind of mistake does not occur again.

In addition, we are taking immediate steps to discipline those individuals responsible.

Miss Wallis, you are young and talented and deserve better. All of us at The Onion are deeply sorry.

Sincerely,

Steve Hannah
CEO
The Onion

That’s the way an apology ought to be done, with none of this “We’re sorry if people were offended” bullshit. Still, it would have been better not to make the mistake in the first place.

Always punch up. That’s the point of satire and mockery. I’m not sure who said it first, but you don’t make fun of the people who are weaker or more vulnerable than you; you go after the powerful and the comfortable.

That’s not just a good rule for life, it’s a good rule for fiction, too. If your protagonist gets snarky and mean to people less powerful than they are, they are a shitty person. Always punch up.

Why libraries still matter

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Many people already know this about me, but a few years back, when my son was still very small, his mother was injured in an accident. Without going into details, she couldn’t work and we had huge medical bills to deal with. At the same time, my little boy–who had started reading at two–was becoming a voracious reader.

The picture books he loved were expensive. Like, brutally expensive for a guy who couldn’t even cover the bills for his wife’s surgery.

The library saved us. There were so many books to choose from and the staff were so wonderful in helping us find things we liked, that my son was able to keep reading and learning. This past year, times have been a little tight for us again, so I’ve been leaning pretty heavily on our local branch. I’ve been bringing home Lemony Snicket, Scott Westerfeld, Diane Duane, Catherine Jinks, Jeanne Birdsall, and Cory Doctorow–frankly, with the way he reads, it’s a pretty good workout. What’s more, the books he discovers are the library help us make smart choices when we do hit the local bookshop.

We couldn’t afford to buy all those books on our own and we’re grateful to live in a community that buys them for everyone to share. That’s why I can’t help but shake my head at misguided authors who think borrowed books are lost sales. Library borrowing drives sales. Well, it drives ours, anyway. Without our local system (which is excellent, btw) we’d rely on garage sales and used book stores. We’d buy and read less, and there’d still be no extra royalties for Mr. Successful Author.

Still, I wish I could get a piece of that Public Lending Rights action. Get paid every time a book was borrowed? How civilized.

Novelist as trickster

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Something that’s been bugging me lately:

I have a trick for picking the killer in an Agatha Christie whodunnit: The first character who absolutely couldn’t have done it, having been cleared by an iron-clad alibi after being arrested or even confessing to the crime… that’s the killer. The narrative presents the question: Who is the killer? Then it presents the likely and unlikely suspects, giving you reason to favor some but not others.

This is something people miss sometimes. It’s not enough to present a mystery. You have to throw in red herrings. You have to give the reader a reason to think the correct answer is not.

Partly because there’s a story sense that we develop as we read and watch movies that let us predict too many plots. A buddy of mine had this annoying habit (we haven’t watch TV together in a few years so I’m hoping he grew out of it) of guessing what would happen next in any TV show we’d be watching. The protagonist’s doorbell would ring and he’d say “It’s the psychologist.” And it would be.

It wasn’t because he’d seen the show before. It was because the psychologist hadn’t turned up in the story for a while and it was time for him to reappear.

For most movies, in face, events are utterly predictable. You know when the villains will burst into the hero’s hideout. You know when the new love interest will turn the corner and see something misleading. You know when the corrupt cop will reveal himself, and usually you know who it is.

So it’s not enough to have a mystery, even a minor one, without red herrings. Who is the mole in the spy agency? It’s not good to just leave the question up in the air, without focus. Give us a reason to think it’s character A and a reason to think it couldn’t be character B. When B is revealed as the real thing, that makes the surprise all the better (assuming the clues and red herrings are well laid).

Mystery: not enough. There has to be trickery, too.

Randomness for 2/12

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1) The Galactic Empire responds to the White House refusal to build a Death Star.

2) Goodreads review in 2250 of a historical novel set in the present time: “Most of the details were correct, but the author forgot that, in the early 21st century, people had to wear special clothes in the rain because their clothes were not yet water- mud- and oil-proof.” Video.

3) An index to fantasy maps. Would it be ungrateful of me to suggest that this seems thin?

4) Walter Cronkite describes the space age kitchen of the far-distant future of 2001. Video included but no auto-play.

5) A chart to demonstrate that fantasy series get longer with each book.

6) “Game of Thrones” Valentines

7) OH MY DAYUM. Video. Normally I’m not big on autotuning normal dialog but this is brilliant.

Marie Brennan’s reading for A Natural History of Dragons

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Just came back (actually, I’m writing this at night and it’ll post in the morning) from the reading described above (author Marie Brennan can be found on LJ and Twitter as swan_lake) and you know what I came away with?

Voice. Voice, people. That was the big lesson I learned from reading all debut novels for a year. The one thing they all had in common was a strong voice.

Brennan is not a debut author by any means, of course, and the voice in A Natural History of Dragons is distinct and assured (also funny). Check out the excerpt.

The reading itself was fun. I actually talked to people. My wife was so happy when I told her about it later that she cheered and clapped me on the shoulder.

In which I have opinions on recent publishing news

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First, as per James Nicoll and Making Light, Games Workshop, the game company that makes Warhammer 40K, is asserting a trademark claim to the term “Space Marines.” They have the trademark on the term in the gaming world, supposedly, but now that they’ve started publishing ebook tie-ins they’re claiming a common law trademark over the term and filing DMCA notices to make Amazon pull books from the shelves.

Of course, the writer they’re doing this to doesn’t have the money to fight back because deep pockets uber alles. If you’re a fan and customer of the company’s games, maybe you should stop buying from them until they clean up their act, and let them know about it.

Second, yet another article about the slow-motion collapse of Barnes & Noble written for The Atlantic this time. Is there any surprise, really, that our slow-motion recovery from a nasty economic collapse is still taking a toll on out-sized companies? Or that the agency-price collusion lawsuit filed in Amazon’s favor would be another cinderblock in B&N’s rowboat?

I’m not what you’d call a fan of B&N, although I will say that I’m less-likely to be given the side-eye when I shop for SF/F in a big chain than in an indie store. Also, I love seeing huge sections of a store devoted to genres, something you rarely see in indie corner shops.

What would be lost if the last of the big chains go under? We would lose a physical space designed to sell according to readers’ tastes rather than the tastes of the bookstore owner.

Third, Chuck Wendig wants to make today International Don’t Pirate My Book Day. His thoughts about treating art as a thing of value are worthwhile, but here’s where he and I differ: when you read my work without paying for it, it doesn’t hurt my feelings.

It’s pernicious, yes. It’s harmful in the long term. If I am giving something away for free, read for free. Enjoy. If not, I would prefer you pay. However, it doesn’t hurt my feelings because my feelings don’t enter into it.

I’ve talked about this before: In the digital world, price is not constrained by supply and demand. Supply is/can be effectively infinite, so there’s no reason for people to pay extra to procure scarce goods. However, the constraint on price is actually “theft;” the balancing act has to be “How much will users pay for this?” vs “At what price point will people just steal it instead?”

Really this is an inevitable consequence of our advertising/consumer culture, in which you the consumer deserve whatever you want when you want and it ought to be cheap as possible. That’s the culture that vendors of every size, from mom and pop stores to massive corporations, have been pushing for generations. It’s thoroughly internalized in our outlook on the world, and now that machines in our homes allow us to cut the actual producers out of the equation, people do so with gusto.

It’s pernicious, yes. Also, I know people will respond with “Customers are willing to pay if you make it easy for them to do so and keep the price low enough.” Yes, that’s true. It’s also a calculation that occurs solely within the head of the consumer. What’s a fair price? How long should I have to wait for it?

There will always be people who think the smart thing to do is to take what they want and give nothing back, if you get my reference. The real issue becomes the size of that group of consumers and how the culture at large talks about them. In my opinion, the battle against book piracy will not be won in courts or legislative chambers, but in the culture at large; what behavior is normalized? That’s the question.

Fourth and last, I’m going to a reading tonight and my body is in full allergic freak-out mode. I don’t have anything life-threatening going on, but the patchy red marks on my face and (fading now, thankfully) hives on my arms turn me from ugly guy to full AVERT! AVERT! status. Oh well.

Randomness for 2/6

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1) The Periodic Table of Super Powers.

2) It’s Downton Abbey for Super Nintendo!

3) Leeroy Jenkins: the short film. Video.

4) The best way to eat from a Chinese takeout box. Video.

5) Dorothy Parker’s telegram to her editor.

6) Make your own pulp cover.

7) Yes, of course you’re sick of Gangam Style. But have you seen it done as flip-book animation? Video.

Bonus! Chicago comedian Joe Kwaczala got himself banned from OKCupid with this profile. This is funny as hell. Seriously.

See me see Marie Brennan

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If you’re in the Seattle area, I thought I’d let you know that tomorrow, Wed. the sixth, I’ll be going to the UW Bookstore to hear Marie Brennan (@swan_tower) read from A Natural History of Dragons.

Todd Lockwood, who illustrated the book, will also be there. If you follow science fiction and fantasy art, you’ve almost certainly seen his work, and if you bought the Tales of the Emerald Serpent anthology, which contained my story “The One Think You Can Never Trust,” then you definitely have, along with one of his short stories.

Anyway, I’m not exactly a raconteur, but if anyone wants to come out and say hello I’d be happy to shake your hand.

Follow up to my new cover art post

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Over the weekend I posted the cover art to my next novel. Here you can see it without the text, here you can see the preliminary pencil sketch.

Hey you guys, it’s the artist’s web site. Check out the other work he’s done. Every link in the page opens in a new tab, which is a little bit something but check it out.

On my Facebook page, there are currently 140 people who “like” me. Basically, they’re there to keep up with what I’m doing.

Unfortunately, the link to the post about that cover art was only seen by 62 of those people. Less than half. If these folks who are interested in hearing about my books want to actually hear about them, I’m gonna have to pay.

I’m not the first to say this, but this is stupid. If you want to put in a “promote” button, promote beyond the people who are already on my “like” list. Not to the people who have already signed up.

More and more I’m thinking that I should disconnect from FB (as a writer, at least) so that people won’t think they’re getting the latest news when they’re not. I’m becoming increasing convinced that it’s better to have nothing to do with a social media company than to make do with defective service.

I mentioned in the blog post that KING KHAN will be “upbeat and family-friendly,” and right away someone asked me if that meant they could hand it to their seven-year-old.

That was a bit of a stumper. There’s nothing in the book I wouldn’t show to my 11yo, but seven? There are hopping vampires, dirty cops, and period-appropriate (I hope) racism. At one point the action goes to a Sunset Strip nightclub taking part in the Pansy Craze. There are a handful of lechers, an island populated with beautiful women where men are kept in cages, and one mostly-elided sex scene. There is punching. There is shooting. There is stabbing.

I don’t think there’s anything in the book a kid can’t read, but a seven-year-old kid? The only way to know would be for a parent or guardian to read the book first to judge for themselves. Maybe I’ll do what my friends at Jet City Improv do, and change “family-friendly” to “TV-clean.”

A Piece of Writing Advice That Always Seems To Surprise People

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I didn’t watch PROJECT GREENLIGHT when it was on, but I heard a story about it that I really, really like. For those who don’t remember or care, it was a reality TV show in which a complete newbie was given the chance to make a million dollar movie in Hollywood, complete with name stars you’d recognize, the whole bit.

The story: After a difficult day of shooting in which they fell behind schedule, the producer came to see the crew–director, cinematographer, key grip, the whole bunch–and he was pissed. It was way too early for them to fall behind and they needed to get their shit together.

And who was he yelling at? The cinematographer, not the director. In response, the cinematographer smiled.

Why was he smiling when he was being yelled at? Because the guy who takes the blame is the guy who has the power. In this case, it wasn’t noob in the director’s chair. It was the man running the camera. When the producer yelled at him, the cinematographer knew he was the one who was really in charge.

Maybe that’s not a true story. Maybe it never happened. I keep telling it, though, because I like it.

What does this have to do with writing? Well, over the weekend I posted a long piece about the Twenty Palaces series, and why I wasn’t going to be Kickstarting the next one. If you’re the sort of person who wisely spends their weekends away from the web but who has been hoping for book number next for Ray Lilly, give it a read. It’ll disappoint you.

The response to it has been great; thanks very much for all the kind words I’ve received. However, a number of people have suggested that the books should have been a success but for bad marketing or clueless readers or whatever.

I don’t buy that. There’s only one cause of the failure of this series, and that’s me. I’m the one who wrote them. I’m the one who decided to leave the background mysterious rather than explained. I left out a romantic subplot. I did that, and a lot more. If they had been a success, you can believe I would be taking the credit. When they failed, I pushed the blame on no one but me.

Yes, there was bad luck. The economy crashed between the time I made the deal with Del Rey and the time the books came out. Circle of Enemies wasn’t on the shelves of B&N until two weeks after publication because a palette of books was damaged by Hurricane Irene. And of course Borders had just collapsed two months before.

None of that matters. Bad luck hits people all the time and they still manage to succeed. It was my job to write books that a lot of people wanted to read, no matter what obstacles got in the way, and I didn’t do it.

Plus, the fault wasn’t in the obstacles. Other writers have released books around the same time as I did, and they were entirely successful. What they could do, I could have done as well.

Anyway, this is a rule with me. No matter what happens, failure is always my fault. Every one-star review comes from my choices. Every lost sale is the same. If I write a book that editors don’t want to purchase, it’s on me for writing that book. Never mind that their line is full for the year, or that they hate books with cannibalism, or they just picked up a UF with an ex-con protagonist and mine is too similar. Never mind that they were hung over because their cat had just died, and they rejected everything that had come in that week.

It’s my job to break through all that. It’s my job to be so compelling they can’t turn away.

If you’re frustrated with rejection (and I know how hard it can be, I’m still living it) the answer isn’t to blame others: not publishing professionals who don’t understand your work/don’t know how to market a book/don’t support new writers the way they used to, not readers, not booksellers. The answer is to look at the book you just wrote and ask yourself “What should I do differently next time?”

Sometimes the answer is “Nothing.” Sometimes you’re proud of your work no matter how many rejections it got. There’s precious little I would change in the Twenty Palaces book.

But by taking the blame for failure, you keep hold of the power to succeed in the future. Better that than giving it away to a complete stranger with a hangover.

Take the blame. Keep control over your career.