funny

Beauty and the… Oh fer chrissakes.

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Inspired by Genevieve Valentine’s review of BEASTLY, I thought it would be fun to think of some other “Beasts” that Mary-Kate Olsen can lay curses on… until they’re saved by love! Yay, love!

BEAUTY AND THE CARDBOARD LONGBOX:
Beauty: A struggling young actress who once had a minor role in a successful sf/f series.
Beast: The Cat Piss Man who saves her from…
Bullshit Reason They’re Forced To Live Together: Beauty is accused of the murder of a creepy convention organizer and must hide out until she can clear her name.
How Beauty Can Tell Beast Cares For Her: DVD collection of her show placed suspiciously close to bottle of hand lotion.
Why Beauty Falls For Beast: Saves Beauty by disarming real killer with home-made light saber. Also: Absorbs villain’s low-penetration handgun fire with his considerable bulk. Also: Showers. Also: Throws out his “good” sweatpants in favor of the Dockers his mom bought him last Christmas.
Who Does Beast Transform Back Into When Kissed: Fit, handsome producer of SyFy Originals who is currently looking for a female lead for his new cable TV series.

BEAUTY AND THE RESCISSION
Beauty: Hot widowed mom with a sick child
Beast: Hotshot health insurance adjuster with a rep for turning down claims
Bullshit Reason They’re Forced To Live Together: Um, a hurricane traps them in the hospital?
How Beauty Can Tell Beast Cares For Her: Finds his signature on the form approving the experimental procedure that could have (but didn’t) save her husband’s life.
Why Beauty Falls For Beast: He slips her the proper forms she needs to get her child’s medication approved. Also, he secretly pays the $600 hospital bill for the bottle of baby aspirin the child spilled.
Who Does Beast Transform Back Into When Kissed: An unmarried Canadian

BEAUTY AND THE CROSSPOST
Beauty: Beautiful but mildly near-sighted hippie
Beast: Usenet libertarian in full blowhard mode.
Bullshit Reason They’re Forced To Live Together: God, this one’s a challenge. Zombie apocalypse leaves them the last living humans on the planet?
How Beauty Can Tell Beast Cares For Her: They find a third living person, a woman 3 years younger than Beauty and with better eyesight, but he doesn’t switch.
Why Beauty Falls For Beast: New younger woman turns out to be a Fred Phelps supporter, making Beast literally the nicest person in the world.
Who Does Beast Transform Back Into When Kissed: Whatsername from RESIDENT EVIL.

BEAUTY AND THE HOMETOWN CANDIDATE
Beauty: Gorgeous political spokesperson
Beast: “Family Values” politician
Bullshit Reason They’re Forced To Live Together: She needs the work to pay for her mother’s operation. He’s in a tight race and can’t be trusted to speak off script without a gaffe.
How Beauty Can Tell Beast Cares For Her: He breaks up with his boyfriend. Also his wife of 18 years and their four kids.
Why Beauty Falls For Beast: Charmingly fumble-mouthed. Changes his votes for gay marriage and increased health care spending. Recommends her for a better job as a lobbyist. Ex-wife and children turn out to be kinda awful.
Who Does Beast Transform Back Into When Kissed: An unmarried Canadian

BEAUTY AND THE HARDWORKING WOMAN
Beauty: Rich, handsome, immature man
Beast: A mildly-overweight, plain-faced woman who runs a homeless shelter. Part should be played the the sort of actress who plays the heroine’s annoying cousin or the sexually non-threatening neighborhood mom.
Bullshit Reason They’re Forced To Live Together: Beauty gets community service after a Charlie Sheen-themed party.
How Beauty Can Tell Beast Cares For Him: She informs his probation officer that he spends most of his time at the shelter primping his hair instead of working, prompting the judge to add 2,000 additional hours to his sentence. Obviously, she can’t bear to see him go.
Why Beauty Falls For Beast: Helping people… It feels kinda good, you know?
Who Does Beast Transform Back Into When Kissed: Didn’t I mention? There’s no enchantment in this one. The woman running the shelter thanks Beauty for his interest but she’s already dating the head of the local tenant’s union and doesn’t he have some mopping to do?

Oh, heh, yeah. That’ll never fly. Might as well go with the Cat Piss one.

(Seriously, has anyone made a version of Beauty and the Beast with the gender roles reversed?)

Randomness for 3/6

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1) A smart way to promote science education. Also.

2) At no point does this stop being awesome: Sheen Family Circus.

3) Frank Herbert writes a children’s book: Goodnight Dune

4) Baby laughs at ripping paper. Video. Watching this is good for your soul.

5) Children read to dogs.

6) Please do not submit my name here.

7) Those amazing personal stories you hear on radio call-in shows? They might be actors reading a script.

Patrick Rothfuss lights a cigar with a $20 bill

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A few days ago, Patrick Rothfuss posted an open letter to Nathan Fillion, in which he points out that he’s a new author but also an international best seller, and that with his new book about to come out, he’s liable to be coming in to a good bit of money.

That’s why he, as a guy with his second book about to come out, wanted to chip in to help Fillion buy the rights to the Firefly TV series.

My first reaction: 0.0

My second: “wut?”

I’m not sure what my third was because things got fuzzy after that. I do remember the nice people helping off the floor of the Starbucks, wiping away my tears with their post-consumer waste paper napkins. They seemed quite worried about me until I assured them that I wasn’t sick at all, it’s just that someone very dear to me had suddenly died.

Anyway, I think it’s great that he’s so successful that he’s considering a time share on a Hollywood property. It’s funny; I’ve always heard that money and success can’t make a person happy, but the only way I’ll believe it is to test it out personally.

So! what else might Mr. Rothfuss’s new-found wealth bring?

1. NASA will launch geostationary satellite magnifying glass that will keep his home at a comfy 76F all winter long. (During the summer, the glass will be angled to shine that heat at Raymond E. Feist.)

2. Just in case book 3 (The Doors of Stone) is delayed, time-traveling historians have convinced the Mayans to extend their calendar to December 2012.

3. Inspired by Charlie Sheen, Pat Rothfuss has hired a team of Swiss surgeons to give him real “fire-breathing fists.”

4. Saudi Princes have booked tours of Pat Rothfuss’s house for decorating tips.

5. In the future, Pat Rothfuss will do all his grocery shopping in a sedan chair carried by fans.

6. If you have to ask about number six, you can’t afford it.

7. Starting March, 2011, Pat Rothfuss’s face will be on the $1 million bill. Might as well, right?

8. Boring garden statues that never change positions will be replaced by fans assuming poses assigned by Pat Rothfuss. Woe to the fan unable to pee in continuous stream while Mr. Rothfuss walks by.

In all seriousness, good for Pat Rothfuss. I hope his next book is million-seller. (Note to readers: I’d be happy with half that, and would gladly join a campaign to purchase the rights to HOLMES AND YOYO.)

Randomness for 2/26

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1) Five reasons so many movies suck.

2) Teacher tries to reach students via a book she writes, in which they are characters. School board objects to drug and sex references, not to mention the “Mr. Gay UK” stuff. You already guessed the rest.

3) Judgmental bookseller ostrich.

4) Hamster-powered walker.

5) Childhood pictures re-enacted. I have to admit, I love these, but I don’t think I could do it. One picture may be NSFW because it shows a woman’s breast.

6) Dance a dance designed by communist committee.

7) Predator, the musical. Video. What it says on the label, and pretty funny.

Randomness for

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1) Now this is a brilliant film trailer: Baby trashes bar. Video.

2) Wildly successful self-published author Amanda Hocking on What It Takes.

3) An appreciation for a show I’ve been watching: The Adventures of Pete and Pete.

4) Samurai fights his own shadow. Video. This is really beautiful and well done.

5) The 50 worst band photos ever. I haven’t looked at all of these yet, but yikes.

6) Facebook ads in a superhero universe. The last one is priceless. I’m tempted to do this for urban fantasy universes.

7) I love this: What happened to the bullies at the end of THE NEVERENDING STORY? Video. Via Matt Staggs at Suvudu.

Randomness for 2/19

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1) Become a Jedi in 10 easy steps.

2) The Magic of a Good Manuscript Title.

3) The Great Gatsby, as an NES video game.

4) Stonehenge directions via IKEA.

5) Some of you guys like Firefly, right?

6) “Bread Goes In, Toast Comes Out” The Bill O’Reilly meme.

7) This is an important one: Is your favorite Borders closing? Check this list for a nearby indie alternative. via Genreville.

Randomness for 2/12

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1) What it costs for a best-selling ebook.

2) Screwed-up versions of the Star Spangled Banner down the years.

3) The Malcolm Gladwell Book Generator. Just click “Generate New Bestseller.”

4) The Rocky Horror Batman Show. Heh.

5) You know what party cat likes? Parties.

6) Vimeo Video School.

7) Kickstarter, doing what Kickstarter should do.

Randomness for 2/7

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1) The Facebook comment decision flowchart.

2) Passive-aggressive notes to your readers are probably not a good idea.

3) Cthonians!

4) Want to read the series bible for the modern BSG?

5) The web sit alignment chart.

6) Backyard fight gets out of hand. Video. Dude should have left his light saber at home.

7) Photos of criminals in Sydney during the 1920s. Amazing photos. Just amazing. Taken from this book.

My fans in Denmark have come through again

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Considering how well the previous Twenty Palaces Lego sets (Child of Fire, Game of Cages) have done, the good folks in Denmark have rushed the newest Lego set into production.

Here’s the cover (again):

Circle of Enemies

Here is the early box art for Circle of Enemies.

Lego Circle of Enemies

Hooray!

I’m told the previous sets outsold the Harry Potter Lego sets, but I’m still waiting for the check with my share of the money. ::taps foot:: That Italian villa is waiting!
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In case anyone misses the joke: This image was created with Lego Digital Designer, a CAD program (of sorts) that lets you design a Lego model virtually, then upload it to their site and have the pieces mailed to you. Teh nice thing is that, as soon as he saw the cover art, my son immediately remembered that we make this joke art and started working on it. Smart kid.

Randomness for 2/4

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1) Detroit, a city in decay. Apparently, the crapsack future will be unevenly distributed. Great source material for art directors planning the next post-apocalyptic novel.

2) Planetary bodies, if they orbited the Earth at the distance of the moon. Video.

3) With these skills, this actor is sure to be a star.

4) Are you ready for marriage? Advice for young women, circa 1971, in comic form.

5) Predator’s teenage son. Video.

6) This is more like Call of Duty than Call of Duty is! Video. This made me laugh and feel pathetic at the same time.

7) Better Book Titles. via James Macdonald on Absolute Write