Randomness for 10/12

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1) Random House UK will publish novelizations of new and old Hammer Films. A fine idea, if you ask me.

2) My wife and I saw this guy’s art on the First Thursday Art Walk. Beautiful and fun.

3) Keep it classy, Europe! Mom discovers her missing daughter has been found dead on live TV, while standing in her killer’s dining room.

4) A firefighter speaks out about the firefighters who let a house in TN burn down because the owner hadn’t paid their fees.

5) Look at yourself. Now look at Grover. Back to yourself. Now back to Grover. Video.

6) Me, I just mailed mine.

7) 14 Inflatable Buildings. Maybe it reveals a flaw in my personality, but the urge to puncture the wedding chapel and have it deflate on the whole wedding party would be intense. Via Martha Wells.

Tossing story seeds

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Here are some story ideas I’ll never write. I’m putting them here because the act of giving them away will ensure they don’t bug me all the damn time.

1) Ma Kent, anti-vax crusader: School nurse discovers that a local anti-vaccination activist is actually trying to hide the fact that her child is a Kryptonian-style alien w/ alien physiology and maybe unbreakable skin. I see this one as a horror story, where the mom seems crazy and over-protective at first, but the protag suddenly realizes the mom is trying to protect everyone else from her kid.

2) Smaug, jewel thief. A tough female police detective investigating a string of puzzling jewel thefts realizes that the thief is actually a dragon in human form, and it’s trying to rebuild its treasure pile. A paranormal romance/procedural, maybe along the lines of Out Of Sight, with Clooney as the dragon.

3) Urban fantasy/courtroom thriller: This is an idea that seems so obvious that I’m sure it’s been done, but I can’t find evidence of it. A courtroom thriller set in a world with standard UF creatures. How will the law change to accomodate the undead? Will non-humans be granted human rights? Alternately, the fantastical elements might be secret–the lawyer for the opposing side might realize that the guy he’s suing is a vampire, or a member of the faerie court, and how do you win against someone who can hypnotize/glamour your witnesses?

4) Serial Resurrectionist: A man who can bring the dead back to life resurrects suicides. I have no idea how to pull this one off without being completely ridiculous and awful, but I keep thinking about it.

5) The haunted lair: Set in a superhero universe, a mastermind-type supervillain brings in a squad of exorcists to put to rest the ghost of a minor superhero/sidekick the villain killed there. The hero doesn’t know he’s dead, and has been interrupting the villain’s work with bombastic speeches and sudden attacks. Of course, once the exorcists’ job is done, they have only the villain’s word that they’ll be set free.

I like this one. I could write it. I just don’t have the time.

6) Peter Parkour, the Spectacular Spider-man. Spider-man agrees to make a parkour video, the sales of which will benefit his favorite charity (isn’t Aunt May working for a shelter right now?) but his jumping around leads him to stumble onto a villain’s hideout, maybe The Vulture. There’s a big fight–caught on video–and SM seems about to lose, but the videographer convinces the villain to pose in better light for the camera and he does, giving Spider-man a chance to clear his head and win the fight.

Too bad I don’t have the rights to this character.

7) God hates killers. Vampires exist, and holy symbols make them burn and scar. But then, holy symbols burn everyone who’s guilty of murder, because God has decided to give the vampire treatment to every killer in the world, living or dead. Homicide detectives routinely spritz suspects with holy water and war vets need to carry a special ID card so TSA personnel don’t brand them every time they try to reenter the country.

And yet, a murder has been committed, and the only possible suspect (she’s even confessed!) can drink holy water like iced tea and handle every crucifix in the precinct house. How can this be?

Meh. It’s an interesting story idea, but too theological for me.

“I’m not an author. I’m a writer.”

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Heh. I finished up the latest section of A Key, An Egg… yesterday morning. It was a really difficult section, too, in which a home invasion completely destroys the protagonist’s house, and dangerously ups the stakes.

Now I get to start the whole book over from page one. After a healthy dose of outlining, of course. Fun!

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Ta-Nahisi Coates said that obesity is the third rail of the blogosphere, and damn if he isn’t right. He links to a rather tame and unimpressive post about the BMI which had to have comments closed because people went nuts.

Because… yeah. As a culture we’re raising awareness about sexual pleasure and, even if we aren’t 100% sane (or ever likely to be) we’re tossing the issues of privacy, preference, et al back and forth.

Not so with the pleasure that comes from eating. People are still weird about their food. Anyone who talks about vegetarianism knows that. People have strange compulsions regarding their food, and they hate to let other people examine them closely.

Coates also says, in the comments, that his legs hurt constantly when he was 295. Damn. I weigh about that and have the same problem…

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Last, I want to take note of this essay by Richard Kadrey about his new Sandman Slim novel.

Let me start by saying these books sound very good. They sound like they would fall right into my reading sweet spot: Fantasy elements in a book inspired by the best crime and detective fiction of the previous century. Wait a minute! Is this my book? ::checks Amazon.com sales ranking:: Nope! His numbers are too good.

My point is, that if I weren’t trying to write something utterly different from my usual stuff, I’d be all over this guy’s books like ugly on an ape. Then I read this:

It all comes down to this: I’m not an artist. I know artists. I have friends who are artists and I’m not one of them. Mickey Spillane said it best, “I’m not an author. I’m a writer. That’s all I am.” Occasionally I wonder if I even write novels. I write long shaggy dog stories. Messy, kind of odd and noisy. I love the graceful sloppiness of early punk and the garage rock you find on Lenny Kaye’s Nuggets record series. I feel like my books and stories are similar to the way Iggy Pop describes The Stooges music, “It’s dumb. But it’s smart dumb.” My books are basically Raw Power with commas.

Hmph! I’m guessing Iggy Pop isn’t a musician, then, because he doesn’t play music.

I’ve gotta spray this grafitti again: If you’re writing fiction, you are an artist. I don’t want to get into a debate about where to draw the line through art/not art. Fiction isn’t an edge case. Fiction is art.

Now, it may be bad art. It may be utterly conventional art. It may be an ass-kissing hand-jobbing desperate-to-please whore in a Mary Sue mask, but it’s still art.

Art isn’t a term of praise. It’s not a label we reserve for those things that “terrify” us but never “seduce” us. It’s not a superlative. If you make something that exists mainly for the purpose of evoking an emotional reponse from people–in other words, if you’ve written a story, you’ve made art.[1]

[1] What say you, Wikipedia? “Art is the process or product of deliberately arranging elements in a way to affect the senses or emotions. It encompasses a diverse range of human activities, creations, and modes of expression, including music, literature, film, sculpture, and paintings.”

That makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I know; I used to be one of them. Also, I used to get as obnoxious about it as: “Yes, I wonder about the nature of our existence, but I don’t get all Tolstoy about it.”

So I understand the urge to try to avoid being an artist. Who wants to be compared to Tolstoy? Who wants their readers to think the books we write are good for them? Does McDonald’s go around telling customers that their burgers are high in fiber?

Hell no. McDonald’s wants to sell their burgers; they only talk about the taste and talk about nutrition as a side issue. Eat this tasty burger! Read this exciting thriller! Don’t worry, I’m not like those high-minded guys your school teachers forced on you. I’m fun!

It doesn’t work, and it damages the art you make.

Call it low art if you want. Or pop art. Hell, call it “art-tertainment.” I don’t care. But don’t try to tell me it’s not art.

And buy that dude’s book, because it sounds awesome.

Jeez, I’m really ranty these last two weeks, eh?

Let me make up for that with this: you can win a free copy of GAME OF CAGES (plus other awesome books) by entering this Suvudu contest.

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Anyway, I won’t be around to respond to comments for a while. I’m in training today and tomorrow. Pity me!

A Glimpse of Darkness, chapter 3

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Lucy A. Snyder’s chapter of this shared chain story is up on the Suvudu site. She took the voter’s choice at the end of my session and ran with it.

And she wasn’t as long-winded as I was, either.

The chain story is now about half-way through. Pop on over, give it a read and place your vote before it’s too late.

FAQ

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It’s long past time I made a FAQ, right? (That’s not one of the questions.) Here goes:

Q: What does 20 PALACES mean? Will we find out what each palace represents and why?

A: Two questions in one, but that’s okay. The Twenty Palace Society is a group of sorcerers who have appointed themselves the magic police of the planet. They’re pretty much ruthless bastards, but their cause is for the good. And yes, I’m planning to show some of the palaces themselves, at some point. The palaces don’t represent anything, though; they’re the homes of really rich people.

Q: Your stance on fanfiction is the first thing that comes to mind here (due to the latest hoopla on the topic.) =)

A: Well, by the time I post this, the hoopla will have died down. In fact, I pretty much can’t remember which particular hoopla we’re talking about. But here’s my “stance:” I consider fanfiction a sign that a property has a devoted following. It means a particular storyline has a healthy following. That said, I don’t want to read any of it, ever. I would find it distressing, so please don’t tell me about it. And don’t try to make money from it (or hinder me from making money), please. Aside from that, have fun.

Q: Where can I get one of those ghost knives?

A: Each one costs a mere $50 million. As soon as your payment clears my account, I’ll send you one. (You might want to wait for book three before you decide if you really want one. Just sayin’)

Q. Are Ray and Annalise using black magic or white magic?

A. Let me first state outright that you will never read the words “black magic” or “white magic” in my books. I’m not a fan of those terms for the obvious reason.

However, there is no good or evil magic in the Twenty Palaces setting. Magic is simply power, and like any kind of power it can be used responsibly or irresponsibly. Whether a spell is good or evil depends entirely on how it was used. In a way, spells are like guns: always dangerous, sometimes threatening, often put to evil purposes, but intrinsically evil? Not to me.

Q. Do you like gladiator movies?

A. Only if they have a. monsters or b. Woody Strode.

Have more questions for me? Let me know and I’ll include it in the FAQ.

Randomness for 9/26

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1) Your kids will damage you.

2) Waiting for Superman: Not the intelligent examination of our public school systems we were hoping for.

3) Pictorial book reviews!

4) Only pain is funny.

5) Mike Tyson’s abandoned mansion.

6) Stephen Colbert testifies before a Congressional sub-committee in character.

7) Man attacks the Sesame Street character Elmo. Elmo wins fight.

State of the self

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I don’t want to talk to anybody.

Jesus Christ.

“Now watch me amaze you!”

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Time is running short to read and vote in the Reader’s Choice Chain Story up at Suvudu.

Go! Read! Vote!

Secret Project revealed!

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I’ve been hinting about a secret project for a little while now, and now I get to share the details.

On Suvudu.com, I and four other writers (Lara Adrian, Stacia Kane, Kelly Meding, and Lucy A. Snyder) are writing a “chain story.” The first author writes a section of the story leading up to a major decision for the protagonist. At the bottom of the page, there’s a poll allowing you, the readers, to decide what will happen next. When the poll closes, the next author in the chain continues the story along the path you, the readers, have chosen. After the last story, the whole thing will be released as an e-book.

Here’s the official announcement on the Suvudu site. The cover art is beautiful, isn’t it?

The first chapter, by Lara Adrian, is right here. As I’m typing this post out, I haven’t even glanced at the first chapter (just got out of bed, actually). But on Thursday, voting will close and I will spend the next weekend writing chapter 2.

Yeah, it’s a real-time choose your own adventure. And yeah, I’m next in line.

So go! Read! Vote! I am a puppet and you pull the strings!

So many subgenres

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At our dinner on Wed, Kurt Busiek mentioned the story of Howard Moskowitz, a market researcher for food companies, and it reminded me that I wanted to post the TED Talk Malcolm Gladwell gave on him.

It’s a long one, about seventeen and a half minutes, but it’s worth watching. For one thing, it’s interesting. For another, it’s funny. For a third, it not only explains why there are so many different varieties of tomato sauce or mustard on the shelves, but why there are so many sub-genres in sf/f (not to mention mystery and romance).