Last night our elderly neighbor, Dolores Snootheim-Jagger, was visiting to borrow some flour and harangue us about going to her church, the Holy Ministry Of The Unlanced Boil, when she asked me to show her this “internet thing” she’d heard so much about. Unfortunately, one of the tabs was a post at Terrible Minds by Chuck Wendig, and she had… ahem… quite a strong reaction.

After about twenty minutes of listening to her yell at us in outrage, I offered her the chance to share her feelings with the world. She accepted, and was still hunting and pecking her note when I went to bed at 1:30 last night. This morning I awoke to find the post below waiting to be added to my blog, my apartment door standing open, and all the dishes done. So, in the expectation that she’ll ask me to show her the post at some time next week, here’s Dolores’s opinion.

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Dear editors, first of all let me say that I’m not terribly impressed to discover that the internet has people on it like this Chuck Wendig person. Why do you allow him to post such filth??? The language he uses!! It’s shocking. Honestly, any sensible person would take away his blog until he learned to communicate in a polite fashion. I mean, really! Can you imagine the effect of his words on a sensitive person like that nice Mr. Gaiman? (Neil, I heard you got married. I don’t care! Call me!) My goodness, every word on the page is a kind of pronography, and who would want THAT FILTH on their nice internet???

Second of all, I think it’s shocking that he should promote bad behavior among any segment of the population. Tearing up hotel rooms?? Really! You’d think he still believed rock and roll was an ongoing concern instead of the dead-and-buried cultural backwater it was. Besides, I suspect that urging people to eyedropper “Kindle juice” into their eyes is illegal! And if it isn’t, we the citizens should treat it as though it is. Why should we rely on the government to do everything for us?? There’s no reason for Mr. Wendig to be yet another burden on the taxpayer when I have a perfectly good deadbolt on the half-bath in my basement.

Third of all, he should most definitely NOT be suggesting Mr. Franzen smoke Oprah’s hair clippings through a bong! Can you imagine the chemicals?? I don’t care what my nephew says, the water it bubbles through can’t possibly take out ALL of the carcinogens. Besides, Mr. Franzen is much too suggestible to be the target of Mr. Wendig’s chicanery. I mean, have you SEEN the number of brand names in his last book?? The man has never met an advertisement he could resist and I suspect he dresses like a NASCAR driver when he works up the courage to walk around on the street.

Fourth of all, I’m not sure that Mr. Wendig has ever MET an actual writer. Fight a coked-up mandrill? Judging by my neighbor, Mr. Connolly, they aren’t fit enough to flee in terror from a primate of any kind. After seven or eight paces, he’d be clutching his chest, wheezing, and looking for a convenient park bench. [ed. note: it’s a fair cop] I can’t help but wonder if Mr. Wendig is trying to winnow down his competition!

Lastly, I will say that I do find merit in his idea of “concept novels,” in which the chapters in a novel all join together create a single story in some way. I would happily purchase a book like that at my local Borders if some enterprising novelist were to write one.

In summation, I’d always heard that the internet was full of pictures of adorable animals, which was intriguing to me, but now that I’ve discovered they allow people like Mr. Wendig to post his hateful goads here, I’m staying away until you people clean up your act. And if I ever meet this Mr. Wendig in person, he’ll get all this and more, plus finger-wagging! The internet won’t be a mature technology until you can wag your finger while you type.

So there!